It’s been 2 years plus since we got together. Since we said ‘I like you’ to one another. And then it grew to ‘I love you’. And since the day we fell in love, I haven’t been the person I was before I knew what it was like to have someone love you back. Before, I was almost always sad. Often wondering why I got the short end of the stick. Wishing with all my heart that someone would give me hope and strength in my life. And that someone turned out to be you. But sometimes I do wonder…what happened to that sad but ponderous voice in my head? The one that wished life was more like the romantic vision I had in my head and less like the cold hard cruel reality I often saw. Ever since I found the lover…husband…best friend in you, I looked at life with more optimism than before. But ocassionaly I still wonder. In some way, I do miss part of that lonely little me of the past.
I never used to wonder why I took the train alone. Or why I sat alone for lunch or dinner. I never used to feel that it was odd to not have a hand to hold. But now I want to be with you all the time. I want to see your face, touch your hair and hear your voice. So whenever I sit alone to eat, drink or just wait around, I would wish I had you with me. But I wonder…I wonder sometimes how it would be like to be the way I was before.
It seems like regardless of which phase of life I am at, I keep missing little bits and pieces of the phases before. When I was down, I missed my happy-go-lucky childhood. When I could sit in a swing and have my grandparents push me back and forth. And all that I could worry about was what to dress my dolls in. Then when I am happily in love, I miss the quietness…and in some sense…the loneliness of my teenage years. When I spent my free time searching for my meaning in life only to arrive at the conclusion that perhaps I wasn’t meant to be happy.
I guess in some way…regardless of how you think you have grown up…changed…you never really did. There is this magical…mystical part of you that remains. That lingers.
Sometimes I wish I was back the way I was. Just for a while, I want to relive my melancholic days. Like now. haha. And because some friends knew me only from when I fell in love, they will never know how I was back then. The days when I spent my afternoons sitting around watching things go by without another soul looking back. Being happy and silly is fun. It’s great joy. Laughter’s great. But sometimes it feels a little tiring. Tiring to keep trying to be positive because part of me doesn’t want to go back to being down like I was. It’s like this war. This battle. To be the sad girl I once was and to be a more cheerful person. Being sad all the time doesn’t solve problems. It doesn’t make life better. But it seems like it is a part of me. A part I fight damn hard against. But sometimes it does get tiring. And I wonder how it would feel like just be that way. To stop fighting. Would there be comfort? Comfort in knowing that I am not fighting that hard?
Sometimes I do still look at things go by. Especially when I’m alone. And then I think about people I know. Friends or not. And then I wonder how they came to be. And how my old friends have changed. I wonder if they wonder the same things. I wonder how they’ll change in future.
Hmm. Enough of being pensive. Need to get things done.
All I know is that even with all that I am unsure of…the one thing I’m sure of now is that with you…every day is a wonder. I love you.
Quite some time ago, my daddy sent me this link: lifehack.org. I never really explored it till today. I was kinda just…procrastinating. haha. Even though I have a mountain load of work to do. But anyway…I was looking at my never-before-seen links (I should create a new folder for them…XP) and I decided to take a looksee. Actually, I’m glad I did.
It’s somewhat like a lil alarm clock. Giving you a wake up call. And for some time today, I felt like giving up. I felt like throwing in the towel. But Kefei encouraged me. And so did the information on that website. I later found more websites like that one and well…life’s stressors are manageable…if you take the first step to managing them.
Anyhow…back to do doing work then. ^^
I need to do my readings. But my mind just keeps drifting. haha. I think this is what happens when you are forced to read stuff. So I shall convince myself that this is all voluntary. That I LOVE reading these texts. And in some strange way I really do. Just that I feel awfully stressed. Well, as much as that dude in TWC said that it is a matter of perspective, I really beg to differ. If you didn’t care about grades, then why are you in university? Why aren’t you iono…homeschooling or something? So obviously you have some agenda here right? Surely it isn’t to pick up chicks? XP Kidding kidding. But yea, I liked that he at least tried to inject an alternative view point (a pretty trite and contrived one but still … nice to hear some idealistic views).
The last few days have been a little tiring for me. Emotionally that is. Everyone’s pretty stressed out because term papers are due, project reports are due, presentations are coming up, and not to mention there are finals…AND BIDDING. Seriously, bidding is a pain. haha. But I think you get better at it as you go through the years. I was considerably less stressed this time round. I think coming up with a course planner really helps! You just need to pick from the courses you already shortlisted! Fantastic. But anyway, back to why it was emotionally draining…
It is really tiring to hear people critique this and that. Especially when encouragements are so damn rare. Honestly, I haven’t heard a word of encouragement for the people I’m feeling a wee-bit upset about in ages. Sure, constructive criticism is good. But some words of appreciation for efforts shown would do wonders for morale and motivation. I think everyone has become way too quick to criticise and have been way too stingy with showing some love. I know we’re all stressed. That there are things that we wished were done differently…were done better. But hey…we’re all human. And I’d also like to think that we are all friends. Even if we weren’t besties, surely we are good enough friends to warrant some loving. So why are people being so hard on one another? And then the whole pissy attitude just makes the atmosphere so tense and unhappy. Something I think would actually deter from the goal of inspiring people to work hard. To put in their 100%. It’s really like average Singaporean behaviour now. Which I never liked. Quick to point faults but never so spontaneous when it comes to acknowledging good points. It really made me miss the good old days when people weren’t so quick to judge. What changed?
I was quite upset about it for a few days. Even cried a little over it. But well, I thought…if even I felt depressed over this…then who’s going to try to keep spirits up? SO. I shall not be defeated by such defeatist attitudes! Mwahaha. I shall strive to be happy. I shall persevere and hopefully make my friends a little more positive. GANBATTE!
Why can’t people be more encouraging?
=sigh=
It’s oki.
I’ll just keep trying and try harder.
I have an eye stye! ARGH! It hurts. Boohoo. And I think I am now officially a geek (if I wasn’t one to begin with) because the first thing I did when I got home was to Google it. haha. I wanted to know what to do about it. So I Googled it. And basically I could either go see the doctor or wait for it to drain on its own (in about a week). I tried out the hot compress thing and it felt awesome. But it didn’tmake it go away. haha. Oh well. Looks like I have to leave it to heal on its own.
Yup.
Back to tending to my mountain of work.
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